Tuesday, February 2, 2010

A Sad Day and a Plea for Advice

Today has been a rough day for one of my 11 yr-olds, Chandler. A close friend of his passed away last night and he is really struggling. I am at a loss, I don't really know what to say to him. I just want to make it all better, but I know I can't.

He knows that it is all part of God's plan, and that she is no longer hampered by her crippled body; and he is happy for her. But he is really having a hard time with the fact that he didn't even get to say good-bye.

How do you handle situations like this with your kids?


  1. Hey Stephanie, thanks for stoping over at my blog. I did make that red star. All i did was cut 5 pieces of wood exactly the same size and i just shaped it like a star. Nailing it at the tops! Maybe i will have to do a tutorial!
    Thanks again!

  2. One of my friends died when I was 15. Our whole church mourned for so long. When I would smile, I would feel bad for smiling. No words from anyone made it better. Just time. We spent months being with our friends, crying together, and being grateful for each other. I gave my daughter Morgan as one of her middle names, the same and my friend.

  3. The closest experience I have had is when our dog died - and its small in comparison. But my son was also upset about not getting to say goodbye - so we wrote letters to him and drew pictures as a way of saying goodbye. It took him awhile to get over it - he cried every time he would think about him. We just let him know it's ok to cry and be be sad and we tried to steer that in a creative or healthy direction or he would sit and be depressed for hours!! I wish there was some magical answer - sure would make it easier huh?!!

  4. My best friend died from complications of juvenile diabetes when we were 14. It was so fast. She was fine in first period, gone by 4th. I had a horrible time for years with the "I never got to say goodbye" thing too. It took me 20 years, until I lost my grandmother to realize, you NEVER say goodbye.... In the middle of the fight to get them well, you are living moment to moment, and can't give in by admitting its over, and saying goodbye. That won't help you now, but its just a side note.

    I talked to my friend out loud when I was alone. That helped me with the feeling that it was OVER and I never said goodbye to her. I would just talk to her like she was here, and somehow it made me feel less panicked.

    If anything, I would say the thing that my parents could have done for me was helping me keep my friends name alive - they stopped talking about her, afraid that it would upset me - only it DID make me sad thinking people had already forgotten she was here. That would be the only thing that I can think of that will help you - and thats not until down the road a bit.

    I will keep you and yours in my prayers.

  5. I felt like this when my grandfather died last June. I had planned on going in to see him on a Sunday after church, but he passed away at 3am. I felt guilty that I hadn't gone in on Saturday. It was the only day I had missed in over a month! But still the guilt was overwhelming. It helped me to say to him out loud when no one was around what I would have said. I sat and thought about the things I did with him growing up and how he is no longer in pain and now with his beloved wife. Then I put a picture of him up in my family room and one of him and my grandmother up my stairs. I also bought a outdoor plant and planted it in memory of him. I think of him often and we talk about him all the time. It has gotten better, but I still miss him. It does take a long time, maybe you could suggest that you guys plant a tree or something similar in her honor. Help him make something to hang in his room so he knows she won't be forgotten. Then urge him to write it down or say out loud what he would have told her. It might actually be comforting to the parents if he wrote it down and gave it to them.
    This is such a hard thing to deal with! So sorry for you tender guy!!

  6. Chylanne & Ashlynn had a hard time with her passing away too. They were happy for her, but so sad at the same time. I hope your sweet little guy is feeling better now. We had another 12 year old friend of ours pass away a few weeks ago. She was such an angel. It's way hard. But we tried to focus on happy things... funny things... spiritual things... Stuff that made them smile.